He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
