I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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