It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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