You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
