be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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