a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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