He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
