sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
