Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
