i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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