Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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