I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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