you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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