Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
