The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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