If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
