Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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