Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
