I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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