Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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