Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
