There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I have demons in me.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
