Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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