It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Randomize
