How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Randomize
