It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize