i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I need water and some morals
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
