She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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