**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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