do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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