I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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