I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
