Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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