I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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