feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
