operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
