Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
