Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
