Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
