i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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