I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
