Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
