I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
