And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she peed on how many people?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
