i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
