Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
