Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
