somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
