Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
