As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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