I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
