Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
