I met the friendliest cop last night
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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