I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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