The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
