soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
