I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize