p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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