i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I have aggressive nipples.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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